Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse Read online

  “He’s a hypnotist, brainwashing, remember?” Drexyl asked her. “He reprogrammed all of your Celestials somehow, before Ari freed them. Oliander.”

  Drexyl said the code word again and turned Kirian back to normal.

  Kirian blinked and rejoined the fray.

  “Voodoo backstabber,” Soda said to Floyd.

  “From your perspective, yeah. From my perspective it was using my ‘special skills’ as you call them. What do you think, evil overlord learners? Can any of your beat hard core mass hypnotism? Because frankly, people in this galaxy are so, so weak minded that the whole conquest thing has been a big disappointment. You idiots can’t break free of the spell of your own mindless cell phones, much less any real manipulation. You never had a chance.”

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Hey, maybe mousy guy could start a vlog. I’d pay good money for that one. Jawes98.

  Soda sneered at the screen and the comment. The fighting raged around her. She slapped the weapon out of a nearby fighter with a tentacle and concentrated.

  Then, to Floyd, to Drexyl and Kirian, and to her viewers it looked like she disappeared.

  Everybody stopped fighting, wondering where she had suddenly gone.

  She reappeared holding a teenager by the neck with a tentacle. “This is Jawes98.” She lifted him off of the ground until his face started to turn red, he squirmed and flailed. “Anybody else want to complain about the vlog? Do you think that mousy idiot is more powerful now? Oh yeah, by the way, being able to astrally project yourself across the galaxy and kick some ass is a very, very good special skill to have.”

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling.

  “Boss,” said one of the minion fighters, “should we try to free the kid?”

  “No, idiot. I don’t care about the kid, kill the cephalopod. The orders only change when I change the orders. Did I contact you and change the orders?”

  “No.”

  “Then kill the Cephalopod. Stop pretending to try and think. It’s not what any of you people do best.”

  Soda placed the kid’s feet back on the ground, but didn’t release him. She disappeared again and reappeared without the boy and turned her focus back to Floyd.

  “Fine, you have some fancy special skills. Granted. But so do I.” She turned and grabbed the last four fighters on the ship each by a tentacle and held them off the ground in front of the screen for everybody to see. “So, what’s it going to be, Floyd? Or should I say Mantix? I could play this game all day. After all, nothing says the holidays like a big brawl in space. You could send dozens and dozens of fighters and I could kill them all and before you can really amass for a war, we’ll have warped away. But I’m in the middle of a vlog. So, do you mind, or do I have to kill your dumb minions here? No wonder you wanted my Celestials, these guys are the worst.”

  “I have lots of minions,” he said. “And I’m not done yet.”

  Four more ships appeared outside of the window.

  “Stars,” said Drexyl, “I’m not liking the odds anymore. Stop taunting, him, Soda!”

  “I should teleport over there and ring your scrawny neck,” Soda said.

  “Nuh-uh,” he countered. “Have you forgotten my true form?”

  Soda’s tentacles deflated. “Oh yeah.”

  “Maybe your viewers deserve a real show,” he said.

  Dozens of fighters appeared on the ship now, surrounding Kirian and Drexyl.

  “Hey, Soda?” Kirian singsonged at her, “how much longer is that vlog thing of yours?”

  Soda looked over at the countdown clock that she had set. “Fifteen minutes, why?”

  “Great question, Kirian. What I was wondering was will you still be broadcasting live when you’re killed on your own spaceship,” Floyd said, grinning.

  Soda laughed. It was a loud, squishy, haughty laugh. “On my, you have to be like the only one in the galaxy that still doesn’t know that one of my other special skills is being immortal.”

  Floyd’s face fell. “You’re lying.”

  “Do you really think so? I faced down a rogue Staar Bounty Hunter. And I’m still here.”

  “Yeah,” Kirian said, “about that—”

  “Shhhh. Shut up, Kirian, adults are talking. You fight. And do it quietly for a minute, would you?”

  “Look,” Kirian said, “whatever did or didn’t happen with the Staar, I don’t know. But you’re really pushing the odds with just me, you, and Drexyl, and not really you, because you’re barely helping. I applaud your taunting ability, however, you’re not half bad at it.”

  “Maybe we should just warp now?” Drexyl asked, fighting and out of breath.

  “Can’t,” Kirian replied, “Fleek and Ari aren’t back yet.”

  “Well, they’re going to miss us when they get back and we’re dead,” he said.

  “Is she really immortal?” Floyd finally managed to cut in.

  “That’s the rumor,” Drexyl said. “Either that or she’s just really, really, really, really, really, really, really old.”

  “Knock it off, Drexyl. Fine, keep sending your boring, tired minions all you want. I’ve got one word for you: Immortality, I’ve got it and you don’t.” She turned to her viewers. “And that’s how it’s done. Special skills, people. Have them, find them, get them, steal them. Whatever you have to do, because they come in very handy.”

  “Maybe I ought to show them my very own special skill? Because if you people think she has the illegal special skills market cornered, then you have another think coming.”

  “Good idea,” said Soda to Floyd, “why don’t you enthrall my viewers with your weirdness? Show them your true form.”

  She watched his face as he received her challenge. That way he could enthrall her viewers with his grotesque appearance, and she could knock out some of these fighters and even up the odds while her ratings went even further up. She figured it was a win-win situation for her and the more people that saw Floyd’s true, illegal form the better, the idiot showoff was forgetting about the Galactic Oversight Board and what a pain in the ass they can be. Good.

  The deliciously ironic idea of knocking him out of the Overlord position the same way he had done to her, with a technicality, was an opportunity she never saw coming. And as she always believed, you never look a gift space dragon in the mouth. You kick it in the teeth when it isn’t looking. True story.

  “Watch this, guys, it’s Mantix. You really won’t believe this. And don’t get discouraged, you don’t necessarily have to be a powerful, illegally hidden species to be Overlord.” She held out her tentacles in a dramatic, meditative position. “After all, there are many paths to power.”

  ***

  Floyd stood there grinning like an idiot for a second like he was actually thinking about it.

  Come on, you idiot, do it, Soda thought.

  “Nancy,” he called out, “bring in my special lunch.”

  Floyd turn right to the screen, flickered for a moment, and then turned into Mantix. Now standing before them on a screen was a giant Preying Mantis creature with dead eyes and creepy antennae.

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling.

  Soda didn’t even bother looking down at the messages. “Wait for it,” she said.

  A human was shoved into the room. “Here’s your two-thirty appointment.” The door slammed behind him. The guy pushed into the room looked around and started screaming.

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling.

  “I know, right? Disgusting,” Soda said as she went around the room strangling eight men at a time, their weapons clunking onto the floor. She was catching up on the battle while her viewers were distracted with the freak show.

  “Oh wait,” said Mantix. “That’s right, illegal species. Clever girl. I almost left civilian witnesses.” He flickered again and turned back into Floyd, allowing the human snack to run back out of the room. “Almost got me, didn’t you?” Then he turned to the viewers. “What you just saw was pure fiction. Nothing bu
t cheesy special effects, I assure you. And if you cross me not only will you not survive to the trial, it wouldn’t hold up in court anyway. After all, you can’t believe everything you see on television.”

  Drat, thought Soda. So close.

  “As you people can see, it’s a cat and mouse game. A dance, if you will. And it involves everything. Politics, power, money, armies, manipulation. You have to be in it to win it and as much as I hate to admit it, my former intern here has, so far, become a worthy foe.”

  “Thank you. It’s all I ever wanted to hear. Oh yeah, except for Supreme Overlord Floyd. That’s what I wanted to hear. And now that you’re gone there’s not a single girl at any of the board meetings, so suck it. Also, the board loves it that I don’t strangle any of them during meetings.”

  “Pansies,” Soda replied. “Too bad they don’t know you like I do.”

  Soda felt a flash of heat and turned. “Floyd, you crafty devil, you snuck a mini dragon on the ship? How did you—”

  “A little help?” Drexyl screamed. “The laser gun isn’t doing anything to it, its hide is too thick.”

  “Oh, it wasn’t easy,” Floyd said. “But I heard you pulled the same thing recently, only with a troll.”

  “Not the same thing at all, we were just distracting someone so that we could kill them.” The implication dawned on Soda when she saw the smirk on his face.

  “Warp now! It’s a trap,” Soda yelled, trying to figure out which button warped. It wasn’t her ship though, and she hadn’t gotten the hang of all of the controls yet. She just ended up pushing a bunch of random buttons on the console that caused all kinds of weird things to begin and also to stop happening.

  “Stop trying to warp! Ari and Fleek aren’t back yet,” said Kirian, slashing at her tentacles with the sword. “And we’re still a little busy here, so maybe you could help instead of causing more problems.”

  Another blast of heat and flame.

  “How does he know what went down with the Staar?” Soda turned to the screen and the wildly grinning Floyd “You don’t understand, Kirian! If the dragon’s just a distraction, then what’s he really up to?”

  Chapter 7

  Ari couldn’t believe how dark it was. Usually, even when lights go out there are lamps on, or a light in the distance, or somebody reading something on their cell phone. But the room was completely and utterly dark. She sat in the chair listening and waiting for Ray to say something.

  “Now!” Ray’s voice boomed out in the dark and echoed around the cavernous room.

  In the middle of the room, a large glowing collection of globes appeared. Ari gasped along with the live studio audience. It was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen.

  Gorgeous spherical holograms hung in the air, rotating slightly in the midst of a very realistic snow storm.

  “Ray,” Ari said, “is that—”

  “Yes,” Ray cut her off. “That is our galaxy. Exactly to scale, rotating perfectly with all of the moons and stars in the right place. Every single planet.” He walked into the midst of the spheres, pointing out the details. “This little project took me weeks, hand crafted with love. And as my special Holiday gift to all of you, I’m sending the code to you for free so that you can dazzle your family and friends. Let’s celebrate this time and our galaxy. Consider it my little reminder to you that both your future and this galaxy that we call home, can be whatever you make of it.”

  “Ray, it’s beautiful.” Both the display and his words took her breath away. She walked around the orbs, reaching out to touch them because they looked so real.

  Then the house lights came back on and she remembered she was still in the middle of a Holiday Special Infomercial.

  ***

  Once again, the sound of applause sounded live on the stage. Ray let some of it die down and then raised his hands to settle them all down. “Let’s bring her back out on stage. Ari, where are you?”

  She reluctantly made her way back to her seat. Then he turned back to her.

  “I’ve seen Ari here her do some pretty amazing things with my own eyes. And I’ll tell you something else, and you may not even believe this, but she has saved the life of Kirian, Destroyer of Planets.”

  He encouraged the applause and then let it die down. “For real, if you ever come across Kirian, who I also know, just ask her if Ari here saved her life and she’ll tell you, more than once.”

  Ari felt heat in her face again, but this time it was not from being humiliated. She felt like she was in a whole weird place now and wondered where Ray was going with all of the praise.

  “And so, Ari. We come to your turn with the machine. Your future, your fortune, and before you decide, I have to tell you one more thing. What you’ve accomplished already is impressive, and you certainly deserve all of the good things in life that this galaxy has to offer.”

  Is he reading my mind? Ari thought. Get out of there, you. She tried to gather herself as he rose and went to the machine. He beckoned for her to follow.

  She got up and her heart was beating like a hummingbird. At this moment, she believed in everything. She believed in Ray, she believed in the machine. For the first time in a long time, she even managed to believe in herself. But what should she ask? She couldn’t just blurt out what she really wanted, that would be unseemly.

  “Don’t think about it, Ari,” Ray sounded sincere, and again like he was reading her mind, “what you want is what everybody out there wants, if they’re honest with themselves. They’re rooting for you.” He waved a hand at the audience and then stooped down a little to make a frightening amount of eye contact with her.

  “All you have to do is be honest with yourself and go for broke. For once in your life, be a little bit selfish. Don’t you deserve it? With all that you’ve done for this galaxy? Isn’t it time you got a little bit back? What do you think, folks?” He let them clap again. “What’s it going to be, Ari?”

  A stifling silence filled the room and enveloped her. She looked from Ray to the machine and back again and took a few more tentative steps forward.

  “Yes,” Ray said.

  She took a deep breath.

  “Say it,” Ray said, “speak your truth and your desire. Don’t hold back.”

  A chant grew around her, in the room and online. “Ari. Ari. Ari. Ari.” It was intoxicating hearing her name.

  “Fine!” She blurted out. “Yes, I want fame and fortune and power. I want it all. I want what others around me have that I don’t have despite the contributions I’ve made.” She covered her mouth with her hand.

  “Yes,” Ray said, “that’s it. But you know the rules, Ari. In the form of a question please. Just one more step toward the machine now.”

  “Ari. Ari. Ari. Ari. Ari.”

  Ari took a big step forward. “Will I achieve the money, power, and fame that I’ve wanted all of my life?” It felt good, saying it out loud, and at the same time terrifying. She felt empowered and naked all at the same time, and the chants continued as Ray hit the button on the machine.

  The sound of the dice rattling around inside filled her ears. Then the machine spit out the dice with a loud thud, and the whole process was over.

  All eyes were now on Ray as he crept forward to peer into the machine that tells the future. It had worked for Fleek. It had worked for Kirian, and now it was her turn. She held her breath.

  “And the answer is,” Ray said, looking down at the dice and sounding every bit like the game show host that he was now, “yes!”

  Ari started to breathe again. Whether the machine was right or wrong, she was not humiliated. The chants of her name started up again.

  Ray pointed at her. “Keep an eye on this one, people. She’s going places. Straight to the top, I tell you. And if she can do it? Why not you? Representatives are standing by right now to book private sessions.”

  Ray waved and vamped for the crowd. “Well, we’ve come to the end of our time for now. What a show tonight, Even for a Holiday Specia
l, it was spectacular,” Ray crowed, “we had Fleek, the Rock Star du Jour, a beautifully elegant snow galaxy hologram, and Ari here, who perfectly laid out all of the hopes and dreams of the masses.” He turned to her. ‘You can do this, Ari. How about another round of applause for Ari? Okay, people, see you next week, have a good night and don’t forget to reach for the stars!”

  “And we’re clear,” said a cameraman in the back.

  Chapter 8

  After everything started to calm down, Ari grabbed another drink from catering. Whatever was in the red glasses, it really was delicious. She approached Ray.

  “Hey, I just wanted to thank you for the job. And the kind words. It really was an amazing show.”

  “But,” Ray said.

  “What?” Ari asked.

  “There is a big but coming after that statement. You’re dancing around it, but it’s there.”

  Ari was starting to hate the way he was always in her head.

  “Fine, allow me,” he said, grabbing a drink of his own off of the tray. He walked over toward the machine and she followed. “But, Ray,” he falsettoed, “you’re the only one who ever looks into the machine, so how do we now if your yeses are really yeses and if your nos are really nos. After all, without verification, we can’t be sure, can we?”

  A chill ran through Ari. The show was over, why was he continuing with the charade?

  “I always liked you,” he said, “from the very beginning. You know that. You deserve these things, Ari. I believe it and the machine believes it too. The machine really did say yes, see for yourself.” He took a step back and allowed her access.

  She looked at him to see if he was being serious, and he was. She felt awkward and looked around, but the after party was in full swing and nobody cared that she was looking at the machine. She took a few steps closer, glanced one more time up at Ray, and then peered into the bottom of the machine, the part where the dice were spit out after the question was asked.