Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse Read online

  “Not you,” Ray said. “He hates you.”

  Ari made her way over to the giant door. She waited a moment, and then went in slowly. The giant room was cheerfully decorated with a bed, colorful accent lamps, and a giant screen television. Video game consoles, cords, and controllers were everywhere.

  From what Ari could see, he was in the middle of a level. His character on the screen was jumping around on giant clouds and shooting green aliens. He paused the game when he saw Ari come in.

  “Hi, big guy. Um, I’m here helping with the Holiday Special and just wanted to stop by. Are you doing okay?”

  He pointed to his left leg where there was a bandage, a battle wound.

  “We’re lucky you were there. You saved us all you know,” Ari said. He brightened. “So, I just wanted to say thanks and no hard feelings, ok?”

  He nodded and went back to his game. Ari let herself out.

  She was back in the lair turned giant television studio. She snagged another drink off of a roaming waiter, who pointed out that he was very into chicks with tattoos on their faces.

  “Good to know,” she said and headed back toward Ray.

  “Oh good,” he said, “you’re back. Where’s Fleek?”

  “No idea. I was saying Hi to your troll. Is his leg okay?”

  “Oh, he’s tough, barely a Band-Aid. Nearly healed now.”

  “Not to pry, but is he really the only security you have?”

  Ray led her to the stage proper for the walkthrough. “Frankly, I never even needed any security until you guys showed up here unexpectedly, ironically scaring the crap out of my troll. Like I said, I allow very, very few visitors. So you should consider yourself lucky. And special.”

  “Thanks,” she said, frowning. “And I do. For the record, consider myself both lucky and special. But it’s almost time and I was really wondering what exactly my role here is tonight?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “My own paid job here tonight is a surprise?” she asked.

  “Yes.”

  “I hate surprises,” Ari said.

  “I know,” he shot back with a smirk, “I’m an Oracle.”

  He just stood there smirking at her. Daring her to bite on that one, but she fought the urge. She hated to admit it, but like everybody else this time of the year, what she really wanted was some direction in her life, and she was just desperate enough to ask him. Maybe. She took a deep breath and swallowed her pride. Or maybe she was simply getting into the Holiday spirit of things. Yeah, that’s it, she told herself.

  “Hey, Ray,” she said and chuckled, hey Ray, lol. That made her stop and think about how many of those drinks she had grabbed since she arrived. She lost count at four, but by the time she really thought about it she had lost count and had to start over. “Um, Ray, do you think after the show you could, um, you know, maybe—” She swallowed and fidgeted, but just couldn’t bring herself to say it.

  “Give you your own roll of the dice?” he volunteered, an eyebrow arched at her. “Why, Ari, I thought you’d never ask.” He smirked again, and it was getting annoying. “Oh, I think, even in addition to the large sum of money that I’m paying you to be a part of tonight’s festivities, you’ll find tonight both exciting and enlightening.”

  “I doubt it,” she blurted out, able to breathe again. Followed shortly by. “Sorry, Ray, force of habit.”

  “No problem, I get that all the time. I have to admit, winning you over has been a longer process than I thought, but a rewarding one just the same.”

  “Listen, Ray. You are, other than Fleek, and Kirian, and maybe perhaps Soda the most confident person I’ve ever met. Does anything ever shake you?” Ari reflected again on all of the rich, powerful, and famous people in her life and the unfairness of it all.

  “No,” he replied with a wink, “nothing ever does.”

  Then he whirled toward his throne. “Okay, everybody. Places. Dirk? Where’s Dirk?”

  A tall, thin, beatnik guy appeared, nearly out of thin air.

  “Hey, there you are. Dirk, Ari. Ari, Dirk. Dirk is my new stage director. He comes highly recommended. I assure you. Met him this morning. Super happy already. Okay, I think we’re ready to go. Dirk, can you find Fleek for me?”

  Ari took brief moment to scan the room looking for Fleek. When she looked back, Dirk was gone. “Hey, how’d he do that?”

  “Oh, he’s part ghost.”

  “Part what?” Ari asked. She remembered the ghosts from Fleek’s ship and wondered if they were really ghosts in the first place. All of the day’s events were getting fuzzier in her mind the more of those drinks she had. “Is that what he told you? Because that’s not a thing, Ray. How do you biologically become part ghost?”

  She was talking to herself at this point, so she kind of trailed off, which was a real shame because she was just getting started.

  Ray was off to perform his hosting duty. Ari felt a surge of adrenaline. She had never been involved in a live television show before, not even an infomercial, although reminding herself of that last part helped her calm down about the whole thing. That and another drink.

  Dirk shushed everybody, and started a countdown. “Places everybody, we are live in five, four, three, two, one.”

  ***

  “Welcome, friends, esteemed clients, and the new and curious. This is the Master Oracle Holiday Infomercial Spectacular! I don’t think that I have to tell you how excited we all are here, and I assure you this year’s show will be one that you won’t soon forget.”

  He was all flowing robes and platinum smile as he moved from the middle of the room to his throne and sat down.

  “As most of you already know, I am a certified Oracle in dozens of fabulous galaxies, and now here I am, local and offering my expansive talents to you. Do you need some direction in your life? Facing a murky future? Stuck in a rut? If you answered yes to any of those questions, then I am the answer you’ve been waiting for, but don’t take my word for it. Let’s hear it for my special guest and client, the Intergalactically famous, lead singer and founder of Chemical Zombies, Fleek!”

  Ari felt like the artificial cheer track may have been a little over the top until she looked around and realized that all of the walls had become a mosaic of live, cheering fans. Clever, that. Even Ari could feel the excitement as Fleek walked over to the chair next to Ray and sat down. Dirk must have found him.

  Fleek had to hold out his hands to the crowd assembled electronically around him to get them to quiet down.

  “Okay, okay everybody. Thank you so much for the warm welcome. Yes, as you know, I am Fleek from Chemical Zombies. Believe it or not, less than a year ago, I was just a nobody travelling around on a luxurious spaceship with one of the hottest warriors in the known galaxy, Kirian, Destroyer of Planets.” He stood up when he said that last part and shouted her name, drawing a huge response from the crowd. He hammed it up for a moment, shared a smile with Ray and then sat down and continued.

  “Okay, people, settle down a little,” Ray said.

  Ari noted that Fleek was an absolute natural on stage and on camera. She could have noted that was probably due to being a rock star, but she knew him before then and was quite certain that he had not changed, not even the slightest bit. Not in confidence, not in demeanor, and not in behavior. He had always acted like this, fame or no.

  And she, in fact, still had no idea why she was here. She assumed that it would be some sort of assistant role. Like a magician’s assistant, where she simply pushed the button on the dice machine like an interstellar Vanna White. Now that she looked around, she wasn’t so sure. She probably should have pressed the issue, but the money had been so good, to be honest, she really didn’t even care.

  “I’m going to be honest with you people for a moment,” Fleek continued. “Sure, my life didn’t exactly suck at the time, but I knew there was something missing. I just knew, somewhere deep inside, that I was destined for greatness.”

  Luckily Ari was off-c
amera, because she rolled her eyes.

  Fleek continued, “I knew that I had something inside waiting to be unlocked, or unleashed, depending on how you look at it,” he finished and looked at Ray.

  “Now that’s a great point,” Ray said, knees crossed and looking slightly down on Fleek. It was, after all, his show. “There are times where you do believe in yourself, and you know you have lots of things going for you, and you need just that little bit of extra information, that additional context in order to get to that next level. Am I right?”

  Ari wondered how long he had to work on the script to get that many buzzwords in a row.

  “Exactly.” Fleek nodded.

  “So, I’ve been your Oracle, what, eight months now?”

  “Yeah,” Fleek said, with a shake of his green Mohawk, “that sounds right.”

  “And in that time, well in the last six months really, a lot of things have happened in your life. First of all, there was that concert on Regulus.”

  “Yes, that was our big debut.” Screaming and cheers again filled the room. Fleek stood up. “That concert was the biggest, unsanctioned, kick-ass, pirate rock and roll event in the history of the galaxy!”

  It took at least five minutes for the crowd to die down as Ray and Fleek smiled and soaked it all in. Fleek sat back down.

  “Talk us through that,” Ray said.

  “Well, I remember I was in contact with you throughout that time and you said something big was coming. And I remember asking you if this was the big break I had been looking for, and I’ll never forget it because you looked right at me and said, ‘Sure. Why not.’ And that’s when I knew it would happen for me.”

  Ohmygosh. Ari couldn’t believe he was taking credit for that. She had been there when it happened. Fleek asked him, he wasn’t even paying attention, and had just shrugged. And now he gets credit for everything? You’ve got to be kidding me.

  “Okay,” Ray said, “and you followed that up with, oh yeah, the live, on-air streaking through the Regal Casino in Vega in the middle of one of the greatest heists of all time. Let’s play that clip.” The clip of Fleek streaking through the casino played on the giant screen above them to more cheers.

  Ari watched Fleek, her own cheeks pink, but he never flinched. It was like he was so confident or ignorant that he was incapable of being embarrassed.

  “I keep forgetting about that. That was a very fun trip. I’ll have to make it back there one of these days.”

  “And then there was the concert festival,” Ray continued, “that featured real space pirates and a guest appearance by the then sitting Neon Octopus Overlord herself.”

  “Yes, that concert set Intergalactic ratings numbers that I doubt will ever be repeated. Or so they tell me.”

  “So there you have it everybody, Fleek the magnificent. Rock Star, Streaker, Believer in himself, and best of all, my Client. Fleek believed in himself and listened to me and look where he is today. Who’s next? Will it be you?” He pointed randomly at the surround sound faces cheering him on. “What about you? Are you ready to take the next step? Say goodbye to Fleek, everybody. You’ve been a great guest. We’ll be back, live, right after these messages.”

  Ari approached. “I gotta hand it to you Ray, selling commercials inside of an infomercial, well, that’s genius. Oh yeah, one question. Why am I here again?”

  “Patience, Ari. Trust me, you won’t find it taxing in any way.”

  She didn’t like the look in his eye one bit, but the only thing she could do about it was to grab the next drink on a passing catering tray and bide her time. The lights dimmed for a second and then came back up to full strength.

  “And we’re back,” Ray cooed. “What a great guest, Fleek from Chemical Zombies. Am I right, everybody? So, what we did in that first segment was look at a guy who was super confident, believed in himself, and just needed that last little bit of confidence and guidance to get him over the hump. But what if you’re not supremely confident? What if you have doubts? What if you’re broke, aimless, and just being pulled along by life’s current. Is there hope for you as well?”

  Ari swallowed and snarled. She knew exactly where this was going.

  “Let’s welcome our next guest. Please put your hands together for Ari!”

  Polite applause dotted the room from the stage hands. The wraparound adoring fans of Chemical Zombies were long gone. Ari made her way to the stage, wishing that her job had, in fact, been to simply hit the button on the fortune telling machine that she knew full well was simply a modified Halo Dice Game from a Vega Casino. She sat in the chair formerly occupied by Fleek and took a deep breath.

  “Hello, Master Oracle, thanks for having me.”

  “Let’s talk about you, Ari,” Ray said, “less than a year ago you were what, a level eight bureaucrat?”

  “Seven.”

  “Okay, yes. But you’re not in that profession anymore, is that right?”

  “Yes, that’s right,” Ari said.

  “Will you tell us what profession you are currently in?”

  Ari froze. Was he really going to make her say it on air? Live? That she was currently unemployed and living on Fleek’s ship. That wasn’t fair at all, as she had spent the last, oh more than six months opposing the Octopus Overlord and saving the entire galaxy of Arcturis. “Hey,” said Ari, “I’ve spent the last six months as sort of a hero-for-hire type work.”

  “And who hired you?”

  “Okay, fine, hero-for-free.”

  More polite applause. Ari could feel her cheeks get hot. She decided to start planning revenge in her head. She tried to estimate how many times she could kick him in the crotch during the next commercial break before the troll came out and pounded her.

  “Listen, people, I brought Ari up here for a reason, okay? She has the same fatal flaw that many of you out there in the audience have right now, and that’s appearance versus reality. In appearance, she’s an unemployed bureaucrat. In truth, and I happen to know this for a fact, she is one of the galaxy’s most brilliant, intelligent citizens. She was hunted by the Neon Octopus Overlord for her intelligence, turned the tables, and helped bring the Overlord Octopus herself down.” There were ooohs and aaahs from the crowd. “That’s right, Ari here had a direct role in having Soda deposed. You were also there live, pulling off the greatest heist of all time in Vega, weren’t you?” More robust applause this time. “Do you guys remember that? Hey, I watched it live and I loved every minute of it. That was incredible.”

  “Thank you,” Ari said.

  “What I’m saying is that in reality, as opposed to appearance, you have a lot going for you. You’ve accomplished amazing things— most of which are still classified, and yet nobody’s paying you for all of this. No medals, no money, no fame.” He looked around. “You guys are looking at a true hero.”

  Aint it the truth. “That’s correct,” Ari answered.

  “So what do you think it will take to get you over the hump and into the next phase of your life?”

  Ari thought about it and shook her head. “I really don’t know.”

  Ray looked dramatically at the camera. “An honest answer from a true hero. And the best part is, it’s probably what the majority of you are thinking right now. I’m sure that many of you at home can identify with her and are even rooting for her.”

  He stood. “Let’s try a spin of the machine,” he said, waving his arm at the Halo Dice Game lovingly and reverently. “You know how this works, Ari, you’ve seen Fleek do it lots of times. You’ve seen Kirian have a turn as well. Everybody but you. You didn’t believe the machine then, do you now?”

  Oh crap. He was right. Kirian had asked the machine a question. She was one hundred percent sure at the time that the machine was wrong. It wasn’t, though, against all odds it was right.

  Ray watched her face and watched her come to her own realization. It’s like he was reading her mind and could feel her own hope for the machine. In that moment, she believed. And it was broadcast
live all over the galaxy. She made a note to give Ray more credit, he was playing her like a fiddle and it was going to make him a fortune.

  Ten minutes ago, she would have thought of a stupid, snarky question to show her disdain for the machine, but now she did, in fact, want a turn. She saw that it was right for Kirian. She watched Fleek become an intergalactic rock star. What she wanted more than anything else was to find her own place in the world. And money.

  She approached the machine hopefully and ran potential questions through her mind.

  “What do you say, Ari?” Ray asked, his fingers poised above the button.

  Ari opened her mouth to speak, and then all the lights went out.

  Chapter 6

  “Showtime,” Kirian said to Drexyl, throwing him a few of her extra weapons.

  “You’re always prepared aren’t you?” he asked.

  “I need it,” she said, “the fighting. Even though I’m not a Celestial anymore, I miss it. I guess I need a hobby.”

  Floyd’s minions charged.

  “Hobbies are overrated,” Drexyl shouted and joined the fray.

  “Ugh,” Soda said, “it’s so loud in here, but just look at the ratings. What is wrong with you people, anyway? I’m here giving out priceless advice and the part you guys like the most are space ghosts and Floyd’s lame assassination attempt? Oh, that reminds me. There’s kind of a grace period at the beginning in the brainstorming and planning phase. At that point it’s your fun little secret, but once you actually begin to put your plan into action and put yourself out there as an evil villain then it’s game on. It’s a blood sport, and it gets serious and deadly very quick, so make very sure you’re prepared.”

  “Good point,” Floyd jumped in. “Oliander.”

  Kirian stopped fighting. “Hail, Mantix!”

  “Oh no, not this again,” Drexyl groaned.

  “What the hell is going on?” Soda asked. With Kirian not engaging Floyd’s men along with Drexyl, she was quickly getting overrun. She was having to deal with three or four of Mantix’s minions at a time with her tentacles, and the floor around her was getting all wet and sticky with their blood. Ew.