Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew! Read online

  “Oh, certainly.” She switched on her laser cutter. “Come on, we’re almost out of time.”

  Jack held the loose edges taut as Alissa worked her way around the perimeter of the first painting. When the final section of canvass came free, he began rolling the painting while Triss moved onto the second. He jumped in to brace the canvass for the final stretch. The fast cuts had caused some singes around the painting’s edges, but it was nothing a new frame couldn’t hide.

  “There!” Alissa declared as the painting came free. “Now let’s—”

  “Is someone there?” a woman’s voice interrupted her, speaking with a thick accent.

  Jack froze. “She can’t see us, right?”

  “Our tools are visible, and someone is holding this painting,” Alissa replied.

  “What do we do?”

  “I don’t know! No one was supposed to be here.”

  Jack spun around to see a young, blonde-haired woman emerge from the bathroom. She wore a plush red robe and her hair was wet, as if freshly showered.

  “I know you’re there,” the woman said, crossing her arms. “This isn’t the meeting place.”

  Jack rolled up the bottom half of his face mask to expose his mouth. “Um, hi,” he stammered

  The woman’s gaze passed from the rolled up canvass in Jack’s hands to the empty frame on the wall to the laser cutter floating in Alissa’s cloaked hand.

  “This isn’t what it looks like,” Jack blurted, then snapped his mouth shut when Alissa slapped him on the arm.

  “You’re stealing our most valuable artwork,” the robed woman stated.

  “Well, maybe a little of what it looks like...” Jack admitted.

  The woman scoffed. “Good riddance.”

  Alissa did a double-take, then rolled up the bottom portion of her own mask. “Wait, what?”

  Merica fluffed her wet hair with her fingertips. “When I agreed to marry Vincent, I thought he actually cared about my interests. Turns out that he’s only about acquiring objects—and people. You think I actually wanted to pay five million credits for a red square painted on a white background?” She scoffed. “The only painting I actually like in this whole house is a little mountain landscape by the servants’ entrance downstairs.”

  “See?!” Jack glared at Alissa.

  “We didn’t say that we didn’t like it, just that it had no market value,” she replied.

  Jack decided to drop the issue. “Anyway,” he turned to the blonde woman, who was apparently Merica Ordello, “you’re really okay with us taking these paintings?”

  “Well, we’d agreed on just the jewels, but I don’t see the harm in adding these,” she said.

  “Right, the deal…” Jack faded out.

  “You know, to kidnap me and then help me fake my death,” Merica supplied.

  “Uh…” Jack looked to Alissa.

  “And why do you want to do that, again?” his friend asked.

  “Because Vincent is awful, and he’d never let me leave of my own accord. I arranged this jewelry theft so there’d be precedent for a kidnapping. Adding artwork into the mix is even better.”

  “Oh, you hired the thieves. Er, us,” Alissa corrected. “Right.”

  “I know we were supposed to meet in the study, but I just wanted one final bath in this delightful marble tub before I departed. Let me get dressed and then we can go.” Merica entered the walk-in closet and closed the door behind her.

  “I knew Trent wasn’t good enough to get in here on his own,” Alissa whispered to Jack.

  “Is she crazy? She hired someone to fake an abduction and murder?” he whispered back.

  “People can do crazy things when pushed to their breaking point.”

  “But that’s—”

  “We need to get out of here, with or without Merica,” Alissa interrupted. “Right now, with her seems like a lot easier option than her getting angry if we refuse and turning us in.”

  “Fine, but Trent is going to need a talking to after this.”

  “I’m sure Triss won’t have any trouble taking the initiative.”

  A moment later, the closet door opened and Merica emerged wearing a sensible, fitted top and sleek, black pants. “Ready?” she asked.

  “Yes.” Alissa stowed the laser cutter and finished rolling up the painting she’d just cut down.

  “You’ll need to make it look official,” Merica continued. “I have the ties and blindfold ready here.” She walked over to the nightstand on the near side of the bed and produced a pair of pink fuzzy handcuffs and a sleep mask.

  Merica twirled the handcuffs. “Who wants to tie me up?”

  “Uh…” Jack faltered.

  “Have at it, Jack.” Alissa shoved him toward Merica.

  “Um, right.” He gave the strange woman an awkward smile.

  “No reason to be shy,” she said, placing her wrists together as the cuffs dangled from her right index finger.

  “I’m not.” Jack took the cuffs from her.

  “Jack fancies himself quite the ladies man,” Alissa explained to Merica. “Spoiler alter: he’s not.”

  “He doesn’t seem that bad.” Merica looked him over while he secured the cuffs. “I mean, that eye is awful.”

  “She gave it to me.” Jack nodded toward Alissa.

  “Long story,” his friend said.

  Merica frowned. “Well, maybe anyone seems good after Vincent. I can’t wait to get away. You’ve made all the arrangements, like we discussed?”

  Alissa glanced at the door. “Uh, yeah. Our associate has it all squared away.”

  “Good. We should get out of here as soon as we can.” Merica took half a step toward the door then hesitated. “Don’t forget the mask.”

  “Right.” Jack slipped it over her eyes.

  “Lead me and I’ll follow,” Merica instructed.

  “You’re the boss.” Alissa rolled her eyes.

  Jack took Merica’s elbow in preparation for leaving. Before he could move, an alarm broke the silence.

  Alissa hoisted her carrying bag. “Well, that’s just great.”

  Chapter Seven: A Daring Escape

  “Something tells me that was not part of the plan,” Jack stated the obvious.

  “We need to find the others.” Alissa took off at a fast jog into the hall, pulling her stealth suit over her head.

  Jack followed her lead, guiding Merica as he ran.

  The captive woman kept pace with him, but he could tell by the tenseness of her arm that she was uncomfortable. Not that she shouldn’t be—handing her fate over to a bunch of strangers was a gutsy, or stupid, move, and an alarm was certainly a complicating factor. For someone who wanted to be abducted, having guards respond was pretty near a worst case scenario.

  “We’ll meet in the foyer on the first floor, like we planned,” Alissa instructed. “Hopefully the others got their goods.”

  “I think the bounty is the least of our concerns right now,” Jack shot back.

  “Can’t go home empty-handed.”

  “We have her,” he said, indicating Merica. “I think we have our hands plenty full.”

  “She’s Trent’s problem.”

  “Oh, yeah, you really think we can just hand her over to Trent and everything will be just fine.”

  Alissa didn’t respond at first. “No.”

  “Didn’t think so.”

  “We’ll deal with that once we’re out of here,” Alissa added. “For now, stay close.”

  Jack did as he was told, as silly as it felt to be running down the hall in a stealth suit while leading a handcuffed and blindfolded woman who would be plainly seen on any security camera. Add in the fact that she was the mistress of the house, it was clear that the afternoon was going awesomely.

  As they approached the stairwell, Jack’s suspicions of impending doom were confirmed by the sound of laser gunfire a story below.

  “Of course.” He sighed.

  “Sounds like we’ll have to shoot our way out
.” Alissa swung her bag forward so she could access the main pouch. A laser pistol seemingly floated in the air as she held it while in her stealth suit.

  Jack retrieved his own handgun—a dainty weapon barely half the size of Alissa’s. The others had insisted that they wouldn’t get into trouble and the lighter firepower would be adequate, leaving room in his bag for the bounty. When he’d pointed out that they all had full-sized armaments, they had distracted him with a caramel lollipop, and he’d forgotten about the entire exchange until the moment he reached for his handgun.

  Now, with a shootout imminent, he regretted caving to sweets so easily.

  Alissa’s gazed passed from the micro weapon to Jack’s scowl. “Remember, it’s not the size of the barrel, but how you use it.”

  He glared back at her. “I’m a great shot. Never had any complaints.”

  “Has there ever been someone to complain?”

  “Oh, there were plenty before you started meddling,” Jack told Alissa.

  “What’s going on now?” Merica asked.

  Alissa smirked, rolling up the bottom of her mask. “Jack is feeling self-conscious about his tiny gun.”

  He rolled up his own mask. “Don’t we have more important things to worry about right now, like the firefight going on downstairs?”

  “As much as it pains me to utter these words,” Alissa grimaced, “you’re right.”

  Were the circumstances any different, Jack would have savored the moment. As it was, though, gunshots were the more pressing need. “Let’s try the stairwell in the middle. We might be able to get behind the action,” he suggested.

  Alissa nodded. “Stay behind with Merica.” She returned her mask to full stealth mode, then changed course to avoid the main stairwell. She continued along the corridor running the length of the second story.

  Jack rolled down his mask and pressed forward. He fell farther behind Alissa than he’d indented due to Merica’s cautious footsteps while blindfolded and cuffed.

  “I won’t let you run into anything,” he whispered to her.

  “She can’t hear you through the stealth suit, Jack,” Alissa reminded him.

  “Stars, these masks are annoying! Would it have killed anyone to install an exterior comm option?”

  “That was an upgrade. The guy they were stolen from was a total cheapskate.”

  “Next time, we’re stealing from a splurger.”

  Jack was about to roll up the hood so he could speak with Merica, when Alissa suddenly held up her hand.

  “Did you hear that?” she asked. “I think a new wave of guards just arrived.”

  “That would be our luck.” Jack looked through the floor, cycling his cybernetic eye through its various settings. He saw a number of heat signatures advancing down the hall on the floor below. “I think they’ll pass by—”

  The helmeted head of a lone guard came into his peripheral view in the ancillary stairwell to his left.

  “Alissa!” he warned, hiding his own weapon behind Merica’s back.

  Alissa’s handgun was the only visible part of her, but it was enough to give away her position.

  “What the…?” The guard leveled his weapon. “Drop the pistol! On your knees!”

  Alissa balanced on one foot, raising her right knee to waist level. She set the weapon on it.

  The guard frowned. “No, that’s not—”

  Jack took the opportunity to fire. He struck the guard in his right knee with a micro laser blast and squeezed off a second blast into the man’s trigger hand.

  The pew of the laser fire from the tiny handgun sounded like something straight out of a cheesy Earth cartoon from the archives, but it got the job done. The guard dropped to the ground with a cry of surprise and pain, giving Alissa the chance to grip her weapon and point it at the man’s head.

  She rolled up her hood to speak aloud. “I kneel for no man.”

  Jack placed his left hand on his hip. “Really? Snappy one-liners?”

  “It sounded better in my head.” Alissa shrugged.

  Merica took step forward, bumping into Jack’s hand containing the pistol. She jumped with surprise. “What’s going on?”

  Jack rolled up his mask. “Just a minor setback. It’s fine.”

  “No, it’s not fine!” she exclaimed. “You’re kidnapping me!”

  “Yeah, and take that…” Jack half-heartedly jangled her cuffs.

  “We’ll save you, ma’am!” the guard shouted.

  “Ugh, here we go.” Alissa clocked him in the temple with the butt of her pistol. “He won’t be out for long, let’s go.”

  “Good thinking,” Jack whispered to Merica. “Keeping up appearances and all.”

  “Honestly, you’re the worst kidnappers,” she replied. “It’s like you weren’t even prepared for this part of the job.”

  “Yeah, weird…” Jack trailed off.

  Ahead of him, Alissa began descending the staircase, her handgun trained ahead of her. “Cut the chatter,” she said, her hood still rolled up to reveal her mouth. Her disembodied jaw set with determination, coupled with the laser pistol, made for an intimidating combo.

  Jack stepped in front of Merica to simultaneously hide her from view and shield her from any stray fire they might encounter. The stealth suit wouldn’t deflect much, but it was better than bare flesh.

  At the bottom of the stairs, Alissa pressed herself against the side wall and peaked around the corner. She pulled back in and looked toward Jack.

  “Looks like the rest of them continued inside. The one we encountered must have been a scout.”

  “Then that means they’ll be expecting him to check in,” Jack replied.

  “I think they’ll be too distracted to notice.”

  Before Jack could ask for clarification, Alissa peeked back around the corner and fired six shots in the direction of the guards.

  A much deeper and more satisfying pew pew rang out in the halls, followed immediately by six grunts as the men collapsed.

  “Come on.” Alissa beckoned him forward.

  She ran ahead while Jack awkwardly led Merica toward the sounds of an intense firefight waging in the distance.

  “How did the guards know you were here?” Merica asked. “He wasn’t supposed to know I was missing until we sent the demand letter.”

  “Well, plans change,” Jack replied.

  “Nothing has gone like we arranged.”

  “The, uh, guards had the wrong company name on file,” Jack said to deflect. “They were onto us from the beginning.”

  “Ugh! It is so difficult to find good help.”

  “That’s what we always say!”

  “But you are the help.”

  Jack shrugged. “I didn’t say we were any good, either.”

  Ten meters ahead, through the doors that had been closed when they first entered the manor, the corridor opened into a seating area. The room was presently bathed in laser fire, red pulses dancing across the white walls as the guards exchanged shots with the intruders.

  Jack could just make out Triss’ and Finn’s locations, thanks to their stealth suits’ interfaces with his own tech. Trent and Larry were hunkered down nearby behind a bizarre statue of a prone woman and a replica walrus skulls, respectively. These questionable décor choices were only overshadowed by the poor decision of using those two items for cover instead of an antique iron safe standing a mere meter away.

  Eight guards were positioned between Jack and his friends, and at least half a dozen additional guards appeared to be on the far side, trapping them. What was curious is that no shots seemed to be connecting on either side.

  “What’s all the gunfire?” Merica questioned.

  Jack tucked her into an alcove out of harm’s way. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

  He lowered his mask and then advanced with Alissa toward Triss’ position, capitalizing on their suits’ stealth tech and the distractions of the firefight to each get near a guard.

  “Ready?” Alissa
asked him.

  He needed no explanation for what she meant. “Ready.”

  On her count, they each tackled a guard from behind and slammed their heads against the stone floor, dazing each.

  The sounds of the assault were masked by the gunfire, so they took the opportunity to each tackle one more guard before darting to cover along the side walls to assess the situation.

  Jack was now only separated from Triss’ position by five meters and a lone guard behind a very charred potted plant.

  He slinked along the wall behind the guard. Once close enough, he slammed the unfortunate individual’s head against the stone chair rail.

  The movement caught Triss’ eye, and she ceased firing to look over. “You’re late!” she hissed.

  “Are we?” Jack checked the time on the HUD of his stealth suit. Sure enough, they were six minutes past the agreed upon rendezvous time. “Oh, sorry.”

  “What were you doing?!” she demanded while sneaking a peak at the battle scene.

  “Uh, witty banter?” He shrugged.

  “You’re impossible!” Triss ducked back down behind the ornate storage chest where she was seeking refuge from the guards’ laser fire.

  “Well, at least now we have a hostage, too,” Jack told her.

  “What?! We didn’t want a hostage!”

  “Minor detail.”

  Triss groaned and squeezed off two shots, which hit just above a guard’s head.

  “What’s going on? You’re a better shot than that,” Jack said.

  “Trent told us we shouldn’t hurt anyone.”

  “I know very little about the guy, but that doesn’t sound like him.”

  “No, it doesn’t,” Triss agreed, “but that’s why I listened.”

  A shot struck the wall mere centimeters from her left shoulder.

  “And what about the guards? They trying not to hurt you, either?” Jack asked.

  “Oh, no. They just have terrible aim.”

  To her word, the next shot struck a full meter above her head.

  “Oh. Either way, we need to get out of here,” Jack continued.

  “Yes, we do,” Finn chimed in on the comm’s common band. “The thing with terrible aim is that eventually they’ll hit.”

  “Gah!” Larry called out, almost as if on cue. He gripped his left leg, which had a fresh black and red streak across the top of his thigh.