Pew! Pew! - Bite My Shiny Metal Pew! Read online

  Good, he realized, typing into his utility belt to find a translator to understand and reply to this dog’s barking language. It took little time.

  “Stop. Fighting. Me!” Henar barked back in the dog’s own barbaric yapping. “This one is trying to help you!”

  The canine stopped, stared with dull brown eyes, and yapped louder. “Let me go, you crazy guinea pig. Or I will bite your head off. Master. MASTER!!!”

  The humans would never hear him, even if the invisiCloak was off. They had already traveled far into the giant forest.

  Henar shook his furry head, leaned down, and backhanded the shaggy ingrate across the muzzle. “This one is trying to free you from your imprisonment, you brainless brute.” The Kavii got right in the canine’s face. “You will no longer be a slave to the humans. All this one requires is information on their ways. Their habits. How they eat. How they sleep. How they defecate. How they contribute to the overall Earth society.”

  The canine stopped, stared with dull brown eyes, and let out rapid-fire howling that sounded like laughter.

  Henar jumped off the canine and watched it roll back and forth, explosively guffawing now. “This one isn’t joking,” the Kavii repeated. His patience had all but expired. Better place an ultimatum. That would sober this yowling cretin. “If you do not tell this one the requested data, then you will be sent back to those humans who—”

  “You MORON,” the canine barked, rising to a seated posture. He towered over Henar. “You think I’m enslaved to those two??” He nodded his muzzle in the direction his human owners ran. “Are you kidding??”

  Henar blinked in confusion. “They have you on a leash and a collar. How else would you define being another’s slave?”

  The canine yowl-laughed again. “You furry little fool. I own those humans. They feed me almost anything I want, buy me toys, clean up my poop and piss, give me belly rubs, groom my fur. Plus, they take me on walks. They do everything and anything I need. Why would I want to ruin that?”

  Henar was lost. “Wait…humans are enslaved to you canines?”

  The golden-furred dog rocked on its hind haunches. “Some other dogs’ situations aren’t as good as mine, but the majority are as decent or better. You have to be from another planet not to know that.”

  The jab stung. Henar fumed and swiped a paw at his face. The dog howled in pain and staggered. “Why did you do that?”

  “Because!” Just as quickly, the Kavii dropped the invisiCloak and then reactivated—without the dumb canine.

  Early the next day, Henar received a group transmission from Osefa, Nele, and Leakki. Henar, who’d spent the rest of yesterday researching the canine’s claims, remained silent while his friends all launched into grievance sessions over their respective Domestic Surveillance assignments.

  The Kavii barely heard their many complaints about the mundane lives of humans in what was called ‘suburbia.” Nele was disappointed by the amount of women who stood by while their partners took all the glory and the financial earnings.

  Leakki knew more about human cuisine than he cared to.

  Osefa hated everyone. Domestic surveillance had killed his love for anything remotely engaging.

  Henar barely paid attention. What he had learned swirled in his thoughts, coalescing from roiling shock into something potentially useful. Henar wasn’t sure yet.

  So caught up was the Kavii in his thoughts that Nele had to call his name twice.

  “Yes?” he asked distractedly.

  “Talk about having your head in the stars,” the female Kavii snarked. “How is your surveillance going?”

  With his three closest friends in the galaxy staring back on the large holoscreen inside his dropship, Henar stiffened. He opened his maw to utter a feeble lie about watching humans walk their dogs all day.

  In that instant, the shock and chaos in Henar’s brain crashed together. As if Henar could see colors where only black and white once existed. His maw curled into a devious smile, to the surprise of his friends. “Fellow Kaviis,” he announced, all his fears shedding like a cloak. “This one might have found something that will change our ill fortunes.”

  Chapter 4

  “Surely you quip, Ensign,” Johonek said. The older Kavii, one of the commanding officers for the Benevolency forces stationed around Earth, sat behind his half-circle. Johonek was a regal picture of sleek sable fur in his blood-red military regalia.

  He was also the picture of confusion and anger. “You are asking the Benevolency to reconfigure its entire military strategy for Earth…because of your hunch?”

  Henar’s insides quivered in fear, despite him appearing unwavering on the outside. Currently the young Kavii officer stood in Commandant Johonek’s ready room, small but comfortable and splashed in warm colors. The walls were covered in framed photos of his various conquests, along with souvenirs from each world he had assisted in conquering. “This one knows that the request sounds rather…unorthodox—”

  “Unorthodox would be the mild description,” Johonek cut in. He rose from his seat behind his half-circle-shaped desk. “Your request not only is impossible. It is the height of lunacy! Delay a Conquest…ha!” The commander actually chuckled, his large frame shaking with mirth.

  Henar clenched his jaw, reminding himself to not blame Johonek whatsoever for his reaction. If the roles were reversed, how would he react to a lowly soldier questioning a conquest methodology unmatched for close to one thousand years?

  But after a week of surveillance with Osefa, Leakki, and Nele, now Henar was more convinced than ever his vision would work. Also, if this helped elevate him and his friends from the purgatory that was Domestic Surveillance, all the better.

  “If this one’s request had no merit,” Henar continued after Johonek’s mirth had subsided, “why would my two superior officers have felt strongly enough to get this one in the same room as you?” Actually, he had told his direct supervisor and then his supervisor’s superior fragments of his plan. No way would he tell them everything and have those two steal his idea. That way, Johonek would have to hear the whole strategy from Henar himself. “Clearly they believe this one has a plan you would want to hear.”

  That gave Johonek pause, only for a moment. He stared back at Henar with narrowed and dismissive eyes. “You think you’re the first brash, know-it-all officer that believes they know better than the will of the Benevolency?”

  Henar shook his head. “This one never said that. This one lives to serve the Benevolency.”

  “As long as it serves you as well.” Johonek scoffed and picked at his whiskers. He rounded his desk and stood face to face with Henar, noticeably taller. “This one read your file, and knows you had ambitions to join Military or Political Surveillance. Your motives are transparent, pup.”

  Henar felt a knee-jerk impulse to lie and plead he only wished to serve the Benevolency. But at this point, why bother? Johonek would probably see through that.

  “This one will not lie, sir,” the young Kavii began, shrugging. “Of course this one desired better placement than what was given. But this is different. This one sees an opportunity to conquer Earth with minimal bloodshed while retaining its main population in service to the Benevolency.”

  Johonek marched back to his desk. He looked unyielding still, opening his mouth to no doubt order Henar away.

  “All that is required is a small portion of your time, sir. Please,” Henar almost pleaded, but fought the urge to get on his haunches like some submissive from a pleasure house. “If you have no interest still, then at least you will have heard another strategy of conquest. One you will get all the credit for.”

  No way could Johonek refuse that offer. Sitting back down in his chair, the Kavii commandant steepled his front paws together. “Proceed,” he ordered, stern and stone-faced.

  Henar could barely contain his nerves as he whipped out a small, coppery holosphere as part of his presentation.

  The small portion of time he requested lasted a whil
e. Henar had included stacks upon stacks of footage from his exhaustive research of humans’ pets, the love they received. How they were treated better than the humans who supposedly “owned” them. Henar showcased footage from the first dog he tried to “liberate” in Muir Woods, how the humans cried and hugged their pet with such effusive affection after finding him again. There was footage of parks in the rolling hills of San Francisco devoted just to humans and a plethora of dogs loping about the grass like grinning idiots.

  More footage came from Osefa, Leakki, and Nele, all who included pet surveillance in their Domestic footage.

  “Cats,” Henar explained on feline creatures much smaller than a Kavii, “are as popular as dogs all around Earth.” He pointed at the massive holo projected from his holosphere of a cat on his haunches, snow-white and shaggy-haired with probing and curious blue eyes. “Their circumstances allow them more freedom and autonomy than dogs. They can disappear for long periods of time. As long as they show up to get fed, receive the occasional snuggle from their humans. And that does not even begin to cover the other kinds of pets that humans debased themselves for—”

  Johonek’s stony expression began to show cracks. “By the stars above,” he murmured.

  Henar decided against any detailed explanations about any rodent-like pets, given that many spent the majority of their lives in cages or glass prisons. That would have killed Johonek’s interest in his request. Instead, Henar focused on cats and dogs, particular images and footage of the powerful world leaders who “owned” them.

  With a wave of his paws, all the images of the head of the English Monarchy with those ridiculously looking short-legged dogs vanished from sight. “Any questions?”

  “This one assumes,” Johonek said after Henar completed his presentation, “that all this has some relevance to military strategy.”

  Henar allowed himself a smile. “We install a Kavii soldier or political operative in as many households as possible, starting with Earth’s most powerful leaders and its most powerful countries.” Henar referred to his holosphere once more and conjured a world map of Earth. Seven countries were highlighted in red. “The United States, China, India, the UK, Germany, Japan, and Russia are seven of the world’s wealthiest and most powerful nations. The United States’ media reach alone dwarfs that of these six other nations combined.” Henar faced this superior officer with all his trinkets of conquest. One day he would be in a similar position, and it all started here. “Have enough of Kavii live with American media influencers and the rest of the world will follow like the pawns they are. All the while, we still make to disable Earth’s military and political systems while getting unfettered access to their leaders.”

  After that, Johonek stared at him in silence…

  …and stared…

  Henar grew nervous under such unyielding eyes. But the young Kavii soldier knew deep down this was the most important stare down of his entire existence. If this one looks away, he will feel my cause is weak. Despite the growing awkwardness, Henar kept staring.

  “How do you know this will work?” Johonek finally asked.

  “This one does not know one hundred percent for sure,” Henar answered honestly. “But this one knows most humans love their pets, treat them exceedingly well and would do anything for them. Which is why this one asks to give me and three of my friends a week to infiltrate four humans’ households in different parts of Earth.” He waited again as the senior officer pondered the request. Never had Henar been more nervous, heart thudding so loud he swore Johonek could hear.

  The older Kavii rose to his feet, spreading his paws out disarmingly. “You get a week and only one other Kavii soldier of my choosing. You will meet on Earth’s surface in two days’ time.”

  Henar almost protested the disregard of Osefa, Leakki, and Nele. Almost.

  But the young, eager soldier caught himself just in time. No need to push his already plentiful luck. “Thank you, sir,” he replied instead, nodding and then saluting. “This will be the right and best course. This one promises you.”

  Johonek frowned. “Do not promise anything, Soldier,” he snapped in iron tones. “Deliver results.”

  The meeting concluded shortly after, and Henar exited the ready room as if floating on air.

  Afterward, Nele and the others were ecstatic when he told them about the meeting, even though they had been excluded.

  “When your plan succeeds,” Leakki said, clapping his shoulders with both paws, “the whole Domestic Surveillance division will benefit.”

  “And our military careers might be saved!” Osefa added with a smile.

  Nele’s eyes narrowed. “Did he say whom you would be teamed with?”

  Henar shook his head. “He said the soldier was already on Earth’s surface and would be of his choosing.” He was too shocked and happy to worry about the details.

  Two days flew by far too quickly. But during that time, many Kavii aboard their vessel had grown impatient over the lack of movement after most divisions had completed their reconnaissance. Questions rippled through every level of the ship.

  What was the holdup? Was the Benevolency still conquering Earth?

  How soon until the Benevolency banned that hideous, mind-shattering pop music after the conquest?

  Henar, while in favor of the last question, said nothing. A huge part of him ached to brag to those who had mocked his placement in Domestic Surveillance. Revenge like that would be sweeter than sex with Setholo had been.

  “Success is the best kind of revenge,” his parents had always told him. And sometimes, success meant silence before the strike. He repeated his mantra another five times. Then a sixth. He got halfway through the seventh repetition before feeling semi-satisfied. So Henar said nothing to anyone else up to the day of his departure.

  The dropship had the landing coordinates near the locations of the soldier he would be teaming with: Moldof from Military Surveillance. The holo image of his profile revealed a wiry Kavii male with snow-white fur and a few black spots around his neck and belly. A normal-looking and physically fit Kavii.

  As the red glow of entry through Earth’s atmosphere lit up his dropship’s viewports, Henar looked down at the blue and green sphere floating in the black with headshaking contempt. Earth’s terrible satellite detectors missing countless Kavii dropships coming in and out of the planet felt galling to Henar. Much later, his dropship landed just outside of a row of domestic homes nestled between rolls of greenish land. The location was some offshoot city connected to the megapolis the humans called Portland, Oregon, United States of America. The small silhouettes of Portland’s downtown skyline were tattooed against the warm morning skies even this far off.

  Henar exited his dropship, invisiCloaked it, and took a long look at his new surroundings. The near identical houses sent a chill down his spine. Like whenever he watched a colonization astro-horror film. Shaking his head to focus, the young Kavii soldier tapped his wristcom, bringing up a small floating holo to pinpoint Moldof’s location.

  “Four point three Earth miles west,” the wristcom announced.

  Henar smiled and loped off on all fours toward the direction of his partner. The air was crisp and cool but tasted of moisture, like it was about to rain. Every Benevolency world had weather-control satellites. Henar wrinkled his nose and ran faster. “Earth has no control over its weather patterns?” he snorted. “The Benevolency will correct that.”

  He reached Moldof’s location a little later, some sewer system outside of the small city. “Moldof?” the Kavii asked on his wristcom. “This one is at the spot. Please reply.”

  Static.

  Henar frowned and tried contact again. No answer. “That’s odd.” Moldoff and him had spoken several times before he’d landed on Earth, the former always answering immediately.

  Now Henar stood within the dank opening in a jut of rock leading into the sewer system. The location scan on his wristcom said Moldof was present half a mile into this tunnel. Henar now
called out Moldof’s name as he slinked into the shadows, stepping through puddles of grime.

  Half an hour later, he reached Moldof’s location. Correction, he reached the location of Moldof’s wristcom…

  …still attached to his severed forepaw. Henar’s eyes bulged. “What the—”

  The bright yellow flash lit up the tunnel from behind Henar.

  Intense and immediate pain seared straight through his fur, then skin, knocking the Kavii clean off his feet.

  Suddenly, Henar found himself face down in mucky water, the entire right side of his body on fire.

  Against his better judgement, Henar had opted not to wear any armor besides the lightest of protection. The young Kavii had expected no attack, let alone any detection from Earth’s so-called defenses. As pain scorched through him, he wanted to kick himself for such an oversight.

  He spat out filthy sewage, brain trying to wrap around what just happened. His vision swam with wild, garish colors as he forced himself onto his back. A posture of submission, Henar realized in regret. But he had to face whoever had taken out Moldoff and attacked him.

  His drooping eyes squinted in disbelief, then horror. “Y—you?”

  “As fine a soldier as Moldof was,” a familiar, sneering voice oozed from the darkness. “That one was such a braggart. And a brainless dolt. Especially when drunk. Talking about how you and he may have found a way to take over Earth without any overt military force.”

  Atiga stepped out of the shadows, a mountain of muscle dressed in Benevolency military fatigues. He pointed a silvery blaster gun in one paw at Henar. His expression was a study in cold malice. “This one will be draped in the glory of true conquest. This one will be my father’s son in all the ways of our radiant Benevolency. And if that means you and Moldof are to be martyrs killed by the barbaric humans, then so be it.”

  Martyrs. Henar stared up at Atiga’s triumphant gaze and the muzzle of the blaster in his hand. Dawning recognition was a cold knife thrust to his gut. “You killed Moldof.” Now he planned to do the same to Henar.