Pew! Pew! - Bad versus Worse Read online

  Table of Contents

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Part One: The Soldier

  Part Two: The Pilot

  Part Three: The Resistance

  Part Four: The Bartender

  Part Five: The Attack

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter 1: The Dynamic Duo-Trio

  Chapter 2: Getting some Gold Green for Some Purple Silver

  Chapter 3: The Return of Space Pig Whale Thing

  Chapter 4: Growing Pains and Other Disgusting Aspects of Human Nature

  Chapter 5: That Scene from the Matrix, only in the future, with a cat

  Chapter 6: Sloths Versus Sharks and Other Bad Ideas

  Chapter 7: The Mad Tea Party and What Katra Found There

  Volume 4

  Pew! Pew!

  Bad versus Worse

  Evildoers across the multiverse unite! Or maybe don't...

  L.A. Johnson | Richard Parry | Zen DiPietro | Andrew Lawston | Drew Cordell | M. D. Cooper | Andrew Gates | Christopher J. Valin | S.E. Anderson

  Pew! Pew! Volume 4

  Copyright © 2017 by The Wooden Pen, LLC

  The Evil Neon Octopus Overlord Vlog Text Copyright © 2017 L.A. Johnson

  Consensus Text Copyright © 2017 Richard Parry

  Dodging Fate 4: Attack of the Blagrooks Text Copyright © 2017 Zen DiPietro

  Voyage of the Space Bastard Text Copyright © 2017 Andrew Lawston

  Krample Co: A Galaxmas Story Text Copyright © 2017 Drew Cordell

  Delta Team 3: It’s Hard Being a Girl Text Copyright © 2017 M. D. Cooper

  Totalus Text Copyright © 2017 Andrew Gates

  Star Academy 3013: What are Sex Robots Made Of? Text Copyright © 2017 Christopher J. Valin

  Miss Planet Earth and the Amulet of Beb Sha Na Text Copyright © 2017 S.E. Anderson

  Delta Team 4: A Fool’s Gotta Feed Text Copyright © 2017 M. D. Cooper

  Cover Design by Christian Kallias

  www.pewpewbooks.com

  All rights reserved. No part of this eBook may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the authors, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles, reviews or promotions.

  The books contained in this compilation are works of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

  First eBook Edition: 14th December 2017

  Table of Contents

  This comedic space opera collection contains ten novellas by nine different authors. A brief description of each book is provided below. Click on the book title to jump to that book within the collection.

  The Evil Neon Octopus Overlord Vlog by L.A. Johnson

  Soda, now an ex-Neon Octopus Overlord, is determined to get her old job back. She starts a vlog to share her considerable evil knowledge with wannabe overlords—for a price. As it turns out, there are a lot of expenses in regaining power.

  Consensus by Richard Parry

  Decisions shouldn’t be hard. As a lead researcher for Reed Interactive, Austin Ainley created The Decider. It’s tech that can nudge people toward making the right choices. Despite his brilliance, Reed threw him out without the common decency of vesting his shares. Austin needs to get his stolen invention back from Reed. If he doesn’t, he’ll be penniless and out of a healthcare plan. Revenge wouldn’t suck either. With a team of off-grid mercs, including the milspec cyborg Ruby Page, he might stand a chance. All Austin needs to do is lead his team to victory. With talents like his, how hard can it be?

  Dodging Fate 4: Attack of the Blagrooks – A Holiday Spectacular by Zen DiPietro

  The holidays are approaching, and the Second Chance is alive with celebration. Charlie’s got a lot to learn about pancultural festivities, but he’s ready to jump right in with the egg nog drinking, sea shanty singing, and blagrook whacking. That last one isn’t technically a seasonal festivity, but after this adventure, it will be. In between narrowly avoided disasters, Charlie needs to solve the problem of the perfect gifts for Pinky, Greta, and Nana. He’s also hoping to perform a Christmas miracle—ending up beneath the mistletoe with the girl of his dreams.

  Voyage of the Space Bastard by Andrew Lawston

  Joth Krantor, last scion of the Krantor-Huang Corporation that once controlled interstellar travel, has a plan to restore his fortune. An evil plan. Join his ship, the Space Bastard, as he enlists a forgotten race of super-soldiers, dodges the lethal birds of Borthokk, and ends the mystery of the Rosetteish Stone.

  Krample Co: A Galaxmas Story by Drew Cordell

  Krample is the self-proclaimed evil CEO of Krample Co, a well-renowned toy company in the Jolian system. Each year, Krample sets out on a quest to thwart Galactic Claus and become the official toy provider for Galaxmas. With an increasingly disgruntled board of directors, Krample must take drastic measures to secure the future of his company and defeat Galactic Claus once and for all. Join Krample, a trusted advisor and cookie-baking expert, a Kolithian secretary, and a pepperoni/AI framework expert as they set out on a not-so-epic Galaxmas quest filled with lots of pew.

  Delta Team 3: It’s Hard Being a Girl by M. D. Cooper

  The Delta Team has gone off to enjoy a nice vacation on the Disknee World, so it’s Girl’s chance to finally clean up the ship. That is until a group of dwarves board the ship, intent on stealing it to run contraband to Nowhere-in-Particular Station. Girl may just be an AI, but she’s not going to put up with this crap any longer.

  Totalus by Andrew Gates

  The powerful Totalus Empire has constructed its secret weapon: The World Ender Base, the largest, most advanced battle station in the universe. But with a crew so large, it is easy to forget about the little-guys. Told over a series of five vignettes, meet the ordinary people who make the universe’s deadliest battle station what it is.

  STAR ACADEMY 3013: What are Sex Robots Made Of? by Christopher J. Valin

  The best and brightest from across the galaxy attend the Star Academy… and so do these guys. When Johnnie Jacobson was sent by his admiral dad to Forcus Three to start his training to be an officer in the fleet of the Galactic Alliance of Planets for a Better Tomorrow, he knew he’d be miserable. But maybe he can make the best of it and manage to graduate with the help of his new friends. After all, the alternative is going to prison.

  Miss Planet Earth and the Amulet of Beb Sha Na by S.E. Anderson

  It’s been a full month since Katra awoke thirteen thousand years in the future, and she’s been adjusting well to the life of a space pirate. But when a heist goes wrong, she suddenly finds herself as a long slumbering deity’s Chosen One. With powers to alter probability, and FunCorp hot on her tail, the suddenly purple former pageant queen has got her job
cut out for her. I would help if her ex-fiancé wasn’t sharing her brain!

  Delta Team 4: A Fool’s Gotta Feed by M. D. Cooper

  With the Disknee World finally in their engine wash, the crew of the Van hopes to get back to normal—as much as they ever can. But with Lashes’ transformation by the Fairly Goodmothers into the ancient vampire Jujubilee, they need to stop for blood. And fast. As if that weren’t enough, a certain artifact has been left on the ship, forgotten when the crew made their hasty departure from Neverevereverland Station. An artifact that will change one of the crew forever.

  The Evil Neon Octopus Overlord Vlog

  by L.A. Johnson

  Ex-Neon Octopus Overlord will share her evil tricks of the trade… for a price.

  Soda, now an ex-Neon Octopus Overlord, finds herself spending the holidays hiding on a spaceship with her former enemies in an uneasy truce.

  To raise the cash needed to get her Overlord job back, she decides to start a vlog to instruct all of the future evil overlords in the tricks of the trade. For a price.

  When she accidently reveals the ship’s true location, her surly ship mates are forced to deal with bounty hunters, space ghosts, and an unexpected vlog guest star.

  Chapter 1

  Soda, former Ruler of Galaxies and until recently, the Neon Octopus Overlord, looked around the spaceship that she now called home. Ugh. She shook her head in disgust and tapped a tentacle on the console.

  The ship was nice she supposed, maybe even elegant. Rock star elegant, seeing as it was owned by Fleek, the founder of the band Chemical Zombies. It just wasn’t the kind of accommodations she was used to. She was also not used to being nearly broke. The stupid Galactic Oversight Board had frozen all of her accounts when they threw her out of office.

  To get back in power she was going to need lots of money, and desperate times call for desperate measures. Up until very recently, pimping herself out on a vlog was unthinkable. Not anymore.

  She looked down at the watch on her tentacle. Almost time. She glanced around to confirm that she had the entire bridge area gloriously to herself. Check.

  She tapped the go button and saw a video blast of all the faces who had signed up for her vlog.

  “Hello and welcome to The Evil Octopus Overlord Guide for Newbies, Episode One: Pathways to Power. Okay, first a little bit about me. You must all know by now that until very recently I was the Overlord of this particular backwater galaxy. And it had never been run better by the way, until I was deposed by that idiot Preying Mantis ex-intern with too much time on his hands. Help me spread the word here, that guy is an illegal species and therefore ineligible for the position. And I assure you, I will be Overlord again soon. But, since I find myself with a little bit of downtime right now, I figured why not help a few wannabe future overlords out?”

  Bling. She looked down at the console to see that the bling noise was apparently a notification sound that a question had been entered for her. Oh, that’s a pleasant noise.

  Bling. When does this vlog get useful?

  The question was from the username froggy42. Soda tried very hard to roll her eyes, but it simply wasn’t possible with her anatomy. “Hang in there, froggy.”

  “What are you up to?” a voice behind her asked.

  Soda whirled around.

  It was Ari. Soda sighed. The other idiots on this ship were bound to find out eventually anyway. “Vlog people, this is Ari. The galaxy’s resident know-it-all.”

  Ari waved.

  Ari read the title at the top of the screen out loud. “The Evil Octopus Overlord Guide for Newbies. That’s not very catchy. You have to be catchy with these things to make any money.”

  “Read it and weep, Staar-girl,” Soda replied. “87,312 entries at 550 Galactic Credits a pop. Oh, and that reminds me. Listen up, people, achieving the highest rank of power in your world through non-legal and nefarious means is far more challenging than it looks. I’ve been there and done that, and I have some invaluable advice to help you on your way. The important word in that sentence being invaluable, so consider this your notice that the price on this vlog will be subject to change from week to week going forward.”

  “Wow,” Ari said, obviously doing the math in her head. “I should start one of these.”

  “Don’t bother, Ari, nobody wants another smart person vlog, even if it’s by someone with a very cool face tattoo. Am I right?”

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Soda looked down at the questions. “Hey Ari, they don’t want you to vlog, but they do want to know more about your face tattoo.”

  “Pass,” Ari said.

  “Fine. Look, Ari, I’m putting a poll on the screen asking them whether they do or don’t want more vlogs from really annoying, insufferable know it-alls.” She glanced down at the data. “You probably don’t want to look at these results. I have to admit that, this vlog thing is more fun than I thought it would be.”

  Ari could and did roll her eyes.

  Soda could see them reflected in the screen before she walked away. “Bye, Ari.”

  She turned back to address her viewers when somebody else popped up behind her. The figure was brandishing a short, curved sword and pointing it at her. She slapped it away with a tentacle. “Put it away, Kirian. I’m busy.”

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Is that Kirian, Destroyer of planets?

  “Yes, yes, this is really Kirian, Destroyer of Planets,” Soda said. The sword swung back around toward her again. She continued to swat it away.

  Bling. Bling. Bling. Bling. The questions were coming in and scrolling down faster than she could read them, but they were all about Kirian, so it didn’t matter.

  “Kirian really is more annoying to live with than you’d think,” she told her rapt audience, “and apparently she can’t think without that stupid sword in her hand.”

  “Aren’t you wanted all over the galaxy?” Kirian asked.

  “So? Don’t you have someone to punch? I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”

  “If you can see them, then they can see you.”

  “Yes, Kirian, that’s the whole point. Duh.”

  “And in an ironic twist of fate, because it’s exactly what you did to me and Ari, the Council has sent a gazillion bounty hunters after you.”

  “So? Try to stay on topic, Kirian, we’re talking Overlord stuff here.”

  “So now that you’ve made our location visible to the world, the bounty hunters can find you. Us.”

  “Eh, I pushed this button over here,” she pointed to a yellow button on the console, “I’m pretty sure that scrambles our location. Happy? Besides, the vlog’s only for an hour. And if we do get invaded, then at least you’ll have something to do other than distract my viewers.”

  Bling. Why do we need your vlog when there are other, more powerful overlords like Krull?

  “Good question. Are you a sixty-foot, indestructible, hairy ape creature?”

  Bling. No.

  “Didn’t think so. If you were, then you wouldn’t need my vlog, would you?”

  “Are you sure it’s a good idea to encourage more people to become evil overlords?” Kirian asked.

  “Don’t you have enemies to best in combat?” Soda shot back.

  Kirian looked around and shook her head. “Not at the moment.”

  “Pity. Anyway, let’s keep going, people. The number one thing you have to do once you make the decision to become an evil overlord, is to really commit to it. I’ve been in your shoes, just starting out. Be careful who you tell. You’d be surprised how catty people can be if you shoot for the stars. They told me to lower my expectations. They tried to tell me I was just one person among trillions and that I’d never make a difference. Did I believe them? No. And now I’ve been the Ruler of Galaxies,” she pounded a tentacle on the console to make her point, “and now I’m wanted in multiple dimensions. I made a difference in my world. It happened to me and it can happen to you, you just have to believe in yourself.”

  She caught Ari rol
ling her eyes in the background again. “Even Ray is better than this,” she said.

  “No, he’s not,” Soda countered.

  Bling. Who’s Ray?

  “Nobody,” Soda answered. “Certainly not any Oracles running around the galaxy. Anyway, moving on, I’d say the next step in your journey toward conquest is to choose your galaxy wisely. I cannot overstate this point. Vet, vet, vet. Otherwise you end up in a middle of a nowhere galaxy overrun with a bunch of hidden species in disguise popping up all over to thwart you, or even worse, goody two shoes out to save the galaxy.”

  Bling. Really?

  “Oh yes,” Soda answered. “Really. Oh, I have to go and save the galaxy,” she falsettoed. “For no good reason at all, mind you. Wannabe superheroes are the worst. Believe me, I know.” She turned around to glare at Ari and Kirian, and then continued.

  “What you want to do is avoid galaxies that have excessive competition or boring, clichéd heroes. Trust me on this one, I know what I’m talking about.”

  Bling. So with you here and you already complaining about competition, is this galaxy pretty much out of the question for us?

  “That’s a good point. Not out of the question, necessarily, but it may push your timeline back a little. And that’s not a bad thing as it leads me to my second point. Preparation. You’re going to need a long-term plan with a bunch of short term goals.”

  Kirian butted in, “Fleek said that the yellow button doesn’t scramble our location. It only slightly boosts your signal.”

  “Tomato, tomato,” Soda responded. “Excuse me,” Soda said to her audience, “just attending to a small matter here.”

  An alarm sounded on the console.

  “On screen,” Kirian said, and the myriad faces disappeared to reveal several ships approaching.

  “Any chance that these incoming ships are my fans coming in for a closer look?” Soda asked and waited, but there were no additional blings. Drat.